Best 100+ New Girl Quotes to Make You Smile

New Girl Quotes

These New Girl quotes will make you laugh out loud because of how similar Jess and her roommates are.

New Girl was a 7-season comedy that premiered in 2011. It’s a fun show about an educated but naive elementary school teacher who, after a painful breakup, moves into a lovely loft apartment in Los Angeles‘ Art District with a bunch of twenty-something males.

Jess and her housemates navigate adulthood together throughout the course of the seasons. The sitcom follows young adults as they strive to sort out their relationships, occupations, and identities.

I refuse to pay for the weefee.

She’s got that giant heart that’s the part compass and part flashlight, and she’s just the greatest person I have ever met.

Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.

I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.

I don’t dance! I’m from that town in ‘Footloose.’

I don’t deal with exes, they’re a part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon!

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I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack and I haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my internet history. I wasn’t building a bomb, I was just curious.

Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.

I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.

So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.

Blast from the past, how’s that ass?

I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!

New Girl Quotes for Instagram

New Girl Quotes for Instagram

Happy people are always beautiful.

Take time to make your soul happy.

Keep the smile on!

If it makes you happy, do it a thousand and one times.

Remember that there is never a shortage of beautiful reasons to be happy.

Have the courage to be happy.

Oh, happy day.

Studies suggest that the happier someone is, the more attractive they become.

Smiles attract happiness like a magnet.

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Enjoying life as it is.

Happy girls are the prettiest.

You’re Never Completely Dressed without a Smile.

A smile never goes out of style.

Be your own reason for your happiness.

Look beyond all the imperfections and you’ll get a glimpse of happiness.

Happy thoughts, happy life.

It’s magical how happy you become once you make someone else happy.

For every minute of unhappiness, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

If someone makes you happy, make them happier.

New Girl Quotes Schmidt


Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people’s version of pleated pants.

I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.

Can we just take a minute to celebrate with me?

I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.

The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.

I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!

If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!

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There are plenty of things to be down about. The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good.

You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.

Damp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever!

If you need me, I’ll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop.

Well, Nick, I’m out of tears. Plumb out. Now, all that’s left is just yellowish goo. That’s right, Nick, goo.

Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me. I was the total candy striping package.

Schmidt happens.

I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.

I’m the squirrel and you’re my nut. Winter is coming, and I’m gonna store you in my cheek girl.

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.

If pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl.

New Girl Quotes Nick Miller

New Girl Quotes Nick Miller

Can I get some alcohol?

I want to kill you because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!

Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.

I can’t go to jail! I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs!

I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.

Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.

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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!

Schmidt fired me, and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I bought, and it was $19!

I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.’

I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.

I like chipmunks more than squirrels.

I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.

My funeral is my time to shine!

Lying makes me sweat. That’s why I can’t play poker or talk to pregnant women.

You can’t turn the sink on when someone’s in the shower; this isn’t some fancy hotel!

I’m 30 years old, and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been into. Every single one.

Nick Miller. Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.

New Girl Quotes Winston

New Girl Quotes Winston

If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?

Winston: That’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.

Nick: They’re not best friends. Winston: Come on, everybody knows they’re best friends.

Can I interest you in some white noise?

Those are pickles in progress.

Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!

There’s nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.

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Winston: They call me Prank Sinatra!

Nick: No, you call you Prank Sinatra!

Do you know what would be nice? A wedding invitation engraved on a plate. What a magical wedding that would be.

‘Eye of the Tiger’ is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War!

Jess: Sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people.

Winston: You know what else they bred in a lab? Pugs.

Flirty New Girl Quotes

Flirty New Girl Quotes

I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit on this side of the gravy boat. – Erin McCarthy

A day without sunshine is a day without you. – Kenna

Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip. – Gary Allan

I heard that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. – Kerry Cohen

A girl’s legs are her best friends … but even the best of friends must part. – Redd Foxx

When I want to smile, I know exactly what to do. I just close my eyes and think of you. – Rakii Retondo

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You are adorable, mademoiselle. I study your feet with the microscope and your soul with the telescope. – Victor Hugo

I don’t mind hot and spicy. Actually find that appealing in a girl. And chicken wings. – Julie James

I’m finding myself highly attracted to you right now. Would you like to come home with me since you’re already dressed for bed? – L.A. Casey

I loved you for a thousand years and missed you in all of them. – Christina Strigas

So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s going to be really hard; we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day. You and me … every day. – Nicholas Sparks

Clever as the Devil and twice as pretty. – Holly Black

New Girl Quotes Jess

New Girl Quotes Jess

You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It’s the least important part of a woman’s body! Unless you’re a baby. Are you guys babies?

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in banks. It’s early in the relationship. I’m still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?

Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.’

I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?

I was sabotaged by my baby box.

Nick isn’t even a man. He’s some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog’s tail.

Pink wine makes me slutty.

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I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.

I’m probably fine. But I also might be dead.

If any of you cross me, I’m gonna kick the testicles clean off your body. Clean off. You’ll look like Ken dolls down there!

I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.

You’re making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.

I feel like a fat man is sitting on my uterus!

I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.

Nipple play-off limits.