70+ Best Ron Swanson quotes

Ronald Swanson, played by actor Nick Offerman is a fictional persona appearing in the sitcom Parks and Recreation. He is additionally seen to appreciate woodworking and food, particularly meat. Ron is energetic and is seen mocking nations that are not America.

According to Nick Offerman, he had some input in the creation of Ron Swanson, and a few sections are straightforwardly inspired by him. Ron is an anti-social and exceptionally private person and despises being in swarms, going similarly as totally ignoring his meetings with his companions. He partakes in his dry sense of humor and often kids about things and likes to keep a light atmosphere around himself. He is of old contemplations which show why he has little to no faith in innovation or banks, causing him to set aside his cash in the type of gold, which makes him kind of rich.

Here in this article, we have gathered the best Ron Swanson quotes including, Funny Ron Swanson Quotes, Anti-Social Ron Swanson Quotes, Inspirational Quotes By Ron Swanson, Ron Swanson Quotes On Government, Short Ron Swanson Quotes for you to enjoy.

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Funny Ron Swanson Quotes

There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.

Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep.

Literally everything is a weapon, son. That folder, in my hands, is far deadlier than this bow in yours.

You can’t hack into a typewriter. That’s all I have to say.

I’ve heavily invested in gold which I’ve buried in several different locations around Pawnee. Or have I?

I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.

I won’t be hiring an attorney. I’ll represent myself, as I do in all legal matters and livestock auctions.

We can’t have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They’ll hunt the kids for sport.

Every two weeks I need to sand down my toe nails. They’re too strong for clippers.

I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win and when I don’t, I get furious.

My son is several weeks old. He is very familiar with the sound of power tools.

I change my locks every 16 days. That key’s been useless since the 2nd Tuesday I gave it to you.

Haha, ‘Euro-trash,’ I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent.

I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.

I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.

A schlemiel is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A schlimazel is the guy he spills it on.

America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.

Haircuts, there are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

Is ‘Star Wars’ the one with the wizard boy?

History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.

Ron: Come on Leslie, you know I’m not sexist. I love powerful women. Leslie: You do attend a shocking number of WNBA games.

I like Andy. I’m surrounded by a lot of women in this department. And that includes the men.

Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets.

Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog.

Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.

It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.

I prefer quality over flash, that’s why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.

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Anti-Social Ron Swanson Quotes

I have to nap up. If I don’t get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Okay, time to head back to the office. I’ve missed an entire day of work, so at least some good came from this.

The strong prey on the weak. Soon, one of you will be ridiculed mercilessly. Ah, nature.

It is a beautiful night for the end of the world. Congratulations to all of you for reaching the finish line.

You know, Leslie, the Super Bowl is in a couple of months. I usually watch it with my brothers. Maybe you could come by at halftime and shoot me in the head.

Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing is not that hard.

Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.

I think if you would know one thing about me it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.

We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End Speech.

I am not interested in caring about people.

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am.

I would rather bleed out than sit here and talk about my feelings for ten hours.

This is a flying robot that I just shot out of the sky when it tried to deliver me a package.

Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.

Leslie: Ron will show you around. Ron: Um, right this way is the exit.

I love being a father but there are a few things I miss: Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s program called Doc McStuffins.

We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End Speech.

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Computers are mostly pointless, but that Yelp thing gave me a great idea on how to criticize people in places.

Plus the whole thing is a scam. Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

When people get too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.

Another word for ‘jokes’ is ‘lies’. I do not lie. Therefore, I do not joke.

Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. End of commercial.

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Inspirational Quotes By Ron Swanson

Live your life how you want, but don’t confuse drama with happiness.

Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.

It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.

Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

Sting like a bee, but do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.

I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Lil Sebastian had passed.

Everything I do is the attitude of an award winner because I’ve won an award.

Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

I said that you’ll get a lot of job offers in your life but you only have one hometown.

Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.


Ron Swanson Quotes On Food

I do not like most of you. What I do like is breakfast food.

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

I can’t think of anything more noble to go to war over than bacon and eggs.

There’s been a mistake. You’ve accidentally given me the food that my food eats.

If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.

When I eat, it is the food that is scared.

Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.

Breakfast food can serve many purposes.

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait…wait. I worry what you just heard was: give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was: give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing.

I call this the turf ‘n turf. It’s a 16oz T-bone and a 24oz porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.

Veganism is the sad result of a morally corrupt mind. Reconsider your life.

Barbecues should be about one thing: good shared meat.

What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it? And can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?

Ron Swanson Quotes On Government

Have you considered cutting the entire fire department? I have personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer.

The most important government work I’ve ever done: sanding rat urine stains out of this floor.

That’s ridiculous. I don’t think of you romantically. You’re pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You’re my worst nightmare.

The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor. Pass.

Diane Lewis: Am I interrupting something important? Ron Swanson: Impossible. I work for the government.

I feel I should remind you that I do not believe that the position or the entire government should exist.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke.

Just let business be business and government be government.

The government should not prop up a failed business. That would be like giving food to a mortally wounded animal instead of slitting its throat and properly utilizing its meat and pelt.

Government is inefficient and should be dissolved.

I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government – even saying it feels dirty.

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Short Ron Swanson Quotes

What in God’s name is freegan-vegan?

I’m just gonna stay angry, I find that relaxes me.

There is only one bad word: taxes.

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

I’m not interested in caring about people.

Leslie, no. We don’t negotiate with weirdos.

Child Labor laws are ruining this country.

Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.

I like saying ‘no.’ It lowers their enthusiasm.

Honor: If you need it defined. You don’t have it.

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