john mulaney quotes, john Mulaney was born on 26 August 1982 in Chicago, Illinois, U.S. He is an American writer, producer, and comedian-actor. John is the best writer on Saturday night live comedian specials, his semi-autobiographical sitcom Mulaney, and even a Broadway show.
John Mulaney has been around for so long that he has turned out to be pretty a family identify in a closing couple of years. During the night showtime, every word that says john Mulaney is a very funny word that comes out of John Mulaneyâs mouth. Here we have some famous john Mulaney quotes which will easily read and share with your friend.
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John Mulaney Senior Quotes
I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.
Iâm one of the worst drivers Iâve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if youâre ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also donât want me to be doing what Iâm doing. I donât like that Iâm in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it!
Just because youâre accurate doesnât mean youâre interesting.
I think eventually, everythingâs gonna be okay, but I have no idea whatâs gonna happen next. And neither do you. And neither do your parents.
I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I donât worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day youâll be able to make this into an episode of TV.
My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and Iâll apologize to you.
I kind of thought, wouldnât it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of the mainstream?
If someone had written a review saying, Oh, Hello is stupid,â we would have said, âYeah, it is. Youâre right.â That person was extremely cool.
There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but thatâs just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, youâre pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.
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I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think itâs a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. What do I do in that situation? Get through it.
I do longer runs on things, and a lot of stories.
Occasionally, you get that one person that says, âI like part of this joke,â and you go, âOh thank you thatâs my favorite part too.â But no, to be authentic, hopefully, you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with, and then you have a few things for yourself.
Being president looks like the worst job in the world.
My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. âHow does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?
It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of âLaw & Orderâ in my apartment.
I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that donât get a laugh but I love them so they stay.
Itâs nice when youâre nervous and everybodyâs like, âYeah, you should be nervous.â Because a lot of times youâre anxious and people say, âRelax. Shut up.â And that just feels like, Well, I guess Iâm also crazy.
In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once youâre doing it.
With my friends, I was still an extrovert.
Iâve always believed that you often need less. You donât need to hear why people are friends, you donât need to hear why people are roommates, and you donât need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something.
Short John Mulaney Quotes
I still like to turn on the TV and watch whateverâs on.
Most open-mic experiences I had were okay.
Iâll keep all my emotions right here and then one day Iâll die.
Things donât exist until they exist.
Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.
I donât look older, I just look worse.
You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.
I like to pace onstage.
In terms of instant relief canceling plans is like heroin.
Understudies donât normally get invited to openings.
My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true.
Itâs wrong to make fun of people but itâs fun sometimes.
I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.
The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.
You can do good work simply by staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.
I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.
I never talked to my dad about that, but I figured Iâd tell all of you.
Stand-up for me is just my opinion on things, so it wouldnât be as fun to translate into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.
I donât make plans anymore. So Iâm not living minute to minute.
Sometimes I â with comedy, itâs like someone like you in high school. They either do, or they donât. And when they donât, they donât. And thatâs it. There are no appeals. You show up, and youâre like, âHi! Iâm -â and you stumble, and theyâre like, âItâs over.
13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you donât like about you.
John Mulaney Quotes About College And school
College was like a four-year game show called âDo my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?
Your opinion doesnât matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, âI think Emily Dickinsonâs a lesbian.â And theyâre like, âpartial credit.â And thatâs a whole thing.
When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast.
Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.
Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am grateful for.
I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did well have found that people who work at âSaturday Night Liveâ and pursue it get pretzels close. You have to be funny â but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So itâs kind of nice in that way â thereâs a lot of people who say, âI just always wanted to do this, and now Iâm doing it.
People having expectations maybe means theyâve enjoyed what Iâve done.
My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I donât think we had a family dinner where one didnât come up.
If itâs something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if itâs truly funny, then itâs worth doing. Things arenât worth doing for the sake of being controversial.
You remember being 12, when youâre like, âNo one looks at me or Iâll kill myself.
If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away ââ then theyâre just pants.
Why do people shush animals? They just go âShhh, hey, shhh.â Theyâve never spoken.
I canât listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called âTonightâs no good. How Wednesday? Oh, youâre in Dallas Wednesday? Letâs not see each other for eight months and it doesnât matter at all.
I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.
If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.
I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.
Bill Clinton fascinates me because, at the time, it seemed like his shenanigans and the people after he was the biggest political stories you could ever imagine
As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I donât know, I just got quiet.
John Mulaney Quotes About Life
I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.
Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials for like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance youâre playing to the camera.
I look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, Iâd say I got a tiny bit better.
I love comedians that dive into politics. I donât feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience.
Iâve done festivals in the past where Iâd be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall â but thatâll be a long way off. So itâs very exciting.
Irish people donât want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland.
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If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight, you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes, youâre communicating to the people at home using the studio audience thatâs right in front of you as a guide for that.
You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really donât kt theyâre talking about.
In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.
Itâs really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You move more control.
I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, âOh, yeah, I could be like that.
I look back on being 17 and think, âOh my God, how did I not die?
Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, thatâs awesome.
Now, I donât know if youâve been following the news, but Iâve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.
My standup persona is like Iâll heighten things, but Iâm observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state.
Iâm a very straightforward person. But thatâs fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times youâre talking about everyone else.
I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didnât matter. Everything I thought would work didnât work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.
The best-case scenario is everything goes perfect and smooth, but weâre also a new and weird show. So all my conversations were, âHey last night didnât go perfect but we kind of know what weâve got in store for everybody episode-wise.
I really set out his traditional-looking and traditional-sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be.
Funny John Mulaney Quotes
I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. Iâve always enjoyed it.
It was funny to be an emcee because youâre so at the mercy of the club. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.
Iâll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I donât wanna, to name an actual airline so letâs make one up, letâs just call it like Airlines.
My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. âHow does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?
Now I get to say, âmy wifeâ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. Itâs fun to say âmy wifeâ. Iâm looking forward to saying it a lot. âGet away from my wife!â No one talks to my wife!â I didnât kill my wife!
My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, itâs kind of hilarious.
I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said âGood night, John! Did you brush your teeth?â and I said, âYesâ, But hereâs the thing.
When Iâm walking down the street I donât think anybody goes, âHey look at that manâ, theyâre just like âWoah, that tall child looks terribleâ.
All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still donât understand it.
Hereâs how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the â30s â as long as you werenât still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.
The biggest problem with that is that Iâm not Asian-American.
For those of you who donât know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all âEye of the Tigerâ and soldiers on.
We started chanting, McDonaldâs, McDonaldâs, McDonaldâs! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.
Donald Trumpâs not good at running for president. Heâs just good at Family Feud. So, when the Steve Harvey of this election is like, âName something that is bothering Americans!â And Ted Cruz is like, âBenghazi!â WRONG! Then Trump is like, âAll the problems.â And thatâs the number one answer on the board.
Iâm a very lucky person. Iâm an idiot, and Iâve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I donât feel like I deserve good treatment.
You canât always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.
Itâs important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspectives, but I donât think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.
I stopped drinking when I was 23.But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, Iâd done a lot of things I wasnât proud of.
You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments!
The Doula was and is a very, very special episode to me because I think itâs very funny and very weird and it also is 100 percent based on my life, in that I fainted three times during Sex Ed in real life the three different years.
If youâre comparing the badness of two words and you wonât even say one of them, thatâs the worse word.