Top 90 + john mulaney quotes that will will Improve Your confidence


john mulaney quotes, john Mulaney was born on 26 August 1982 in Chicago, Illinois, U.S. He is an American writer, producer, and comedian-actor. John is the best writer on Saturday night live comedian specials, his semi-autobiographical sitcom Mulaney, and even a Broadway show.

John Mulaney has been around for so long that he has turned out to be pretty a family identify in a closing couple of years. During the night showtime, every word that says john Mulaney is a very funny word that comes out of John Mulaney’s mouth. Here we have some famous john Mulaney quotes which will easily read and share with your friend.

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John Mulaney Senior Quotes


I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it!

Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.

I think eventually, everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea what’s gonna happen next. And neither do you. And neither do your parents.

I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.

My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.

I kind of thought, wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of the mainstream?

If someone had written a review saying, Oh, Hello is stupid,’ we would have said, ‘Yeah, it is. You’re right.’ That person was extremely cool.

There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can.

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I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. What do I do in that situation? Get through it.

I do longer runs on things, and a lot of stories.

Occasionally, you get that one person that says, ‘I like part of this joke,’ and you go, ‘Oh thank you that’s my favorite part too.’ But no, to be authentic, hopefully, you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with, and then you have a few things for yourself.

Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. ‘How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?

It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.

I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay.

It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, ‘Yeah, you should be nervous.’ Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, ‘Relax. Shut up.’ And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.

In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. You know comedy once you’re doing it.

With my friends, I was still an extrovert.

I’ve always believed that you often need less. You don’t need to hear why people are friends, you don’t need to hear why people are roommates, and you don’t need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something.

Short John Mulaney Quotes


I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on.

Most open-mic experiences I had were okay.

I’ll keep all my emotions right here and then one day I’ll die.

Things don’t exist until they exist.

Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways.

I don’t look older, I just look worse.

You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

I like to pace onstage.

In terms of instant relief canceling plans is like heroin.

Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings.

My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true.

It’s wrong to make fun of people but it’s fun sometimes.

I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

You can do good work simply by staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

I never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I’d tell all of you.

Stand-up for me is just my opinion on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun to translate into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.

Sometimes I – with comedy, it’s like someone like you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, ‘Hi! I’m -‘ and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over.

13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.

John Mulaney Quotes About College And school


College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?

Your opinion doesn’t matter in elementary school either. It matters in college. College is just your opinion. Just you raising your hand and being like, ‘I think Emily Dickinson’s a lesbian.’ And they’re like, ‘partial credit.’ And that’s a whole thing.

When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast.

Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.

Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am grateful for.

I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did well have found that people who work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it get pretzels close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it.

People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done.

My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.

If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.

You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one looks at me or I’ll kill myself.

If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away —​ then they’re just pants.

Why do people shush animals? They just go ‘Shhh, hey, shhh.’ They’ve never spoken.

I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all.

I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream. Might be.

If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.

I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

Bill Clinton fascinates me because, at the time, it seemed like his shenanigans and the people after he was the biggest political stories you could ever imagine

As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quiet.

John Mulaney Quotes About Life


I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials for like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you’re playing to the camera.

I look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I’d say I got a tiny bit better.

I love comedians that dive into politics. I don’t feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience.

I’ve done festivals in the past where I’d be a guest, it was like, Wow, maybe someday I could play Town Hall – but that’ll be a long way off. So it’s very exciting.

Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland.

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If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight, you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes, you’re communicating to the people at home using the studio audience that’s right in front of you as a guide for that.

You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t kt they’re talking about.

In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

It’s really fun to be writing and producing your own sketches. You move more control.

I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that.

I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?

Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.

My standup persona is like I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state.

I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times you’re talking about everyone else.

I remember writing standup jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny.

The best-case scenario is everything goes perfect and smooth, but we’re also a new and weird show. So all my conversations were, “Hey last night didn’t go perfect but we kind of know what we’ve got in store for everybody episode-wise.

I really set out his traditional-looking and traditional-sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be.

Funny John Mulaney Quotes


I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it.

It was funny to be an emcee because you’re so at the mercy of the club. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank.

I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna, to name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Airlines.

My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. ‘How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?

Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!” No one talks to my wife!” I didn’t kill my wife!

My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious.

I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said ‘Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?’ and I said, ‘Yes’, But here’s the thing.

When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.

Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.

For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.

We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.

Donald Trump’s not good at running for president. He’s just good at Family Feud. So, when the Steve Harvey of this election is like, ‘Name something that is bothering Americans!’ And Ted Cruz is like, ‘Benghazi!’ WRONG! Then Trump is like, ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer on the board.

I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.

You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.

It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspectives, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.

I stopped drinking when I was 23.But I just became a bad, annoying drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of.

You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments!

The Doula was and is a very, very special episode to me because I think it’s very funny and very weird and it also is 100 percent based on my life, in that I fainted three times during Sex Ed in real life the three different years.

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.